What is Next?

To those who may feel that God is calling them but do not quite know how to respond I offer my own longing from a journal entry not too long ago. My wife and I were watching the latest episode of "West Wing", the one where they are introducing the new speech writer, "Will". And at the end Will, who has already won "Toby" over, hands Toby the note that "Sam" sent  him. After he has walked out Toby opens the note and reads:  "Toby, He's one of us. Sam"

They ended the show almost immediately and I told my wife something that I think goes to the heart of who I am and what I want.  "What I want more than anything else is for someone to say that of me." If I were going to write my character and had to look for what that character wanted most - this would be it. It summarizes what I am about, the soul of my desire.

As I drove to a meeting I was thinking about that desire and what it meant to have identified it. And here is the hard part: I think I have that in me. Maybe not as a speech writer for the president, but in the right place I have the potential to be “one of us”. But what I have not done is applied myself to make it obvious that such is the case. I have not pushed past the fear, the resistance, the critic, the sloth, the unfocused dreamer to create the “body of work” that would qualify me to be “one of us.”...

But now I am taking my best shot at getting myself to that place where I can do that, create that body of work that will create the skills and the evidence that I am indeed “one of them" whoever they are. I do not know where this goes. Probably it leads to unexpected places. I only open myself to the help of the Higher Power and chose to be made willing to  follow where He leads. It is late, but never too late. That Higher Power, God, can make anything work. All I can do is open myself as a potential conduit and follow wherever it leads. I trust that where He leads me through this will be into my own bliss, perhaps one I didn't know I even had. I give up dictating what it might look like, when it might happen, or what I will or will not do in response. Whether that means grinding out my days at a job I think is killing my soul, or living out of the back of a car I don't care. I would prefer that it not put my family through hell.

But at this point I will put myself into His hands also as much as I am able - and to be honest that is not much more than simply saying it.  I trust God to heal me and to hone me and to create meaning and beauty through my life, my mind, my talents, my being. I know I have said this before, I'll probably say it again. In fact, I suspect that it is something that I will have to say every day, every moment for the rest of my life if I really mean it. Discipline, sobriety, commitment. I'll willing to do what I can when I can and try to stay out of your way Lord when needed.

What is next Lord?

- Mark Merizan  2010