Reach

Monday, March 31 2008 @ 12:02 PM PDT

When we’ve been hurt by either words or actions it’s not always easy to forgive our offender – in fact, sometimes it takes a season to process the event, tentatively begin the reconciliation process and then actually reconcile. Sometimes we refer to the bible for comfort but scripture is not a lucky rabbit’s foot that magically wipes away our pain. In fact, I suspect there are many Christians who have not found solace in a bible text – and that does not mean they are distrusting friends of God.  It simply means real damage and pain demands real work to be done. It takes time reading God's promises, honest inward reflection, discussion with God, and fellowship with family and friends who revive and nurture us.

Everett L. Worthington, Jr. came up with REACH, a pyramid model of forgiveness in his book, To Forgive Is Human: How to Put Your Past in the Past  (InterVarsity  Press, 1997) If you’ve been hurt, you may find the REACH pyramid helpful...

Recall the Hurt  When we are hurt, we often try to protect ourselves by denying our hurt. We think, often correctly, that if we don't think about it, it won't bother us.  But if unforgiveness keeps intruding into your happiness or gnawing ulcers in your  gut, consider forgiving. Recall the hurt as objectively as possible. Don't rail against  the person who hurt you, waste time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your sights on its repair.

Empathize  Empathy involves seeing  things from another person's point of  view, feeling that person's feelings, and  identifying with the pressures that made  the person hurt you. To empathize with your offender's experience, write a brief letter to yourself as if you were the other person. How would he or she explain the harmful acts?

Altruistic gift of forgiveness  Empathy can prepare you for forgiving, but to give that gift of forgiveness, consider yourself. Have you ever harmed or offended a friend, a parent, or a partner who later forgave you? Think about your guilt. Then consider the way you felt when you were forgiven. Most people say, "I felt free. The chains were broken." Forgiveness can unshackle people from their interpersonal guilt. By  recalling your own guilt and the gratitude over being forgiven, you can develop the desire to give that gift of freedom to the person who hurt you.

Commit to forgive When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have forgiven. When people remember aprevious injury or offense, they often  interpret it as evidence that they must not have forgiven. If you make your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven theperson who hurt you. Write a "certificate of forgiveness," stating that you have, as of today, forgiven.

Holding onto forgiveness  When you have doubts about whether you have forgiven, remind yourself of this pyramid. Refer to your certificate of forgiveness, and tell yourself that a painful memory does not disqualify the hard work of forgiveness that you have done. Instead of trying to stop thoughts of unforgiveness, think  positively about the forgiveness you have experienced. If you continue to doubt your forgiveness, work back through the REACH pyramid.  

S.N. Belmonte  2008

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