Confession

Amanda grew up in a home with a domineering father and subservient mother.  Amanda’s father was quick to lift up Amanda but never her mother.  Instead, there was only criticism and reproach for the quiet and obedient woman who did her husband’s bidding.   Amanda was a conscientious student who went on to graduate and realize her dream of becoming a university history professor.  She loved her career yet, always felt empty on the inside as if her life never quiet measured up to her father’s expectations.   Even though he always told her how brilliant she was, he would often insert an insult inside a compliment – or so it seemed to Amanda.

Her father would say, “It does not surprise me that you got that promotion, but really, you could be doing so much better.  With your smarts, you could be running that school!”  His comment lifted her up and then tore her down and always left her feeling like she had somehow let him down.  Over time, she learned how to numb those feelings by replacing them with lofty thoughts of self-importance. Eventually she stopped hearing her father’s insults completely.  Each day she would repeat a mantra that she could do no wrong because she was immune to fault... 

One warm summer afternoon, Amanda sat with a couple of friends on the beach. The atmosphere was casual and breezy until they began discussing their childhoods.  Jennifer mentioned how her parents divorced when she was very young and how it created a hole in her heart that never quite went away.  She went on to say, “I really think its affected relationships I have to this day, I mean, I have trust issues that keep me from opening up completely and sometimes, I can be downright rude. I don’t mean to be this way and I’m working on it but it’s tough.”

Her vulnerability persuaded Kourtney to open up and admit her mother often criticized her for not doing as well in school as her older sister.  The pain of never measuring up manifested itself in a struggle with bulimia which she still wrestled with though not as severe as when she was a teen.  “I realized I can’t control what my mom thinks of me but I can control how much I eat or how neat I keep my home. For once I felt like I was more powerful than my mom.”

The sharing was relieving and healing for Jennifer and Kourtney but not for Amanda.  She was uncomfortable with the subject matter and hoped someone would change the topic.  “What about you?” Kourtney asked Amanda, “What was your life like growing up? Is it really as perfect as it appears?”  Kourtney winked and rubbed Amanda’s hand warmly but soon realized she had said the wrong thing.  Amanda was visibly perturbed as she adjusted her hat and then tilted her head down, looked over her sunglasses at her friend and said, “My childhood was idyllic, really. I don’t have any deep or profound stories to share ladies.”  And with that she leaned back and quietly sipped from her water bottle. 

Accustomed to being straightforward, Jennifer was not about to let it slide, “C’mon, no one has had a perfect childhood – we all have our shortcomings and we all struggle.”   Amanda flicked a bug off her arm as she very nonchalantly declared, “Well, I have a hard time believing I struggle as much as the next guy and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I’m sorry I don’t have horror stories about how my parents hated each other or how my brother and sister and I fought tooth and nail…because that would be a lie.  My parents gave us everything we ever needed and are still there for us.  We really were the American Dream family. We had it all and we still do.”

There was a time when Amanda would think about how her father treated her mother disrespectfully and it hurt her deeply so she decided to not think about it anymore and when it did happen, she would ignore it. There was a time when she felt bad that she would compete with colleagues or even dear friends for promotions or simple bowling matches.  There was a time when she’d feel ashamed of herself for looking down on a person of lower economic status than she.  There was a time, but not anymore.  Amanda represents many of us who cannot bear the pain of reality so we exchange the truth for a lie – the lie that we are exempt from fault or character flaws.  It’s a dangerous place to be since God will not, and cannot, bang the door down to heal us. If one is willing to confess their sins God can begin the process of revealing to us where we fall short.  Not with shame or guilt trips does God operate, but rather out of love and compassion. 

He knows how much we can handle and is determined to set things right in our hearts, “The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us and them in this. Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.” (Romans 3:23, 24 The Message)

Jennifer and Kourtney demonstrated a willingness to be reckoned with by God’s Spirit because they were willing to confess their faults to one another (James 5:16), a precursor to a healthy spiritual conscience.  Amanda on the other hand was sadly cut off from God’s life-giving blessings by ego. It was she, not He, who prevented truth to penetrate her heart.  How can one find their way in the darkness unless they hold the torch of truth to show the way? How can any of us expect to know life as we court death?

In the book of Romans, Paul’s concepts concerning sin is hard to not identify with,“Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” (Romans 7 The Message)

Paul describes the human condition that only Jesus is able to subdue because only Jesus can impart the unconditional love that none of us grew up with. Love turns our evil out, it literally brings it to a head and yes, it’s messy! But the poison will drain from us and the wounds will heal and yes we will bear scars but God has promised us we will not do it alone. Never will he abandon us and leave us to ruin – ever (Hebrews 13:5).  No matter how kind or loving our caregivers might have been, they are human and humans mess up and they mess up frequently.  Only Jesus can be counted upon to be that Balm of Gilead for our war-torn souls.  If you identify more with Amanda than her friends, it’s not too late to ask God for help. It’s never too late to ask Him help you confess your weakness (2 Cor 12:10) for this truly is the beginning of a life and a life more abundantly. (John 10:10)

- S.N. Belmonte 2010